The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
