youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
