You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
