I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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