I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
