i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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