I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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