Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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