apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Someone shit on the floor
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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