my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
