i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
