Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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