Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
