i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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