She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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