so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
