During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize