Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
