Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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