If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
