I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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