His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm really busy with my period
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