Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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