Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize