i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
