I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
