You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
