hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
