i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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