I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
