You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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