I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
