Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
