dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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