the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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