Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Someone came in the potted fern
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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