Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
