I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
