New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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