i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
