I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize