did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
