i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
