He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
