the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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