If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
