I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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