Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
