You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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