I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
