Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
