i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
