Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
