i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
