when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
you had me at cake vodka
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
All the doctor said was why
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
