He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
