so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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